None of us like it when we're driving along the road, minding our own business, and we notice that someone on a motorcycle is trying to get our attention with flashing lights and sirens. Being pulled over for a traffic violation is the surest way to put a bend in the mood of even the best day. But even amongst other cops, the traffic officer is deemed, uh, different. Traffic is a duty not many police officers want to sign up for. It takes some special qualities. Mostly, I think it's the ones who will do anything to get to ride that motorcycle.

Think about it. Most of the people they encounter are probably essentially law abiding folks. If you or I have interaction with a police officer, it's most likely because a traffic cop pulled us over. We're not the bad guy. We just happen to get caught at our worst while we were out there doing our best. Whatever law we just broke won't send us to jail. We just get to pay a little extra money into our government to make up for our moment of indiscretion. I think of it as payback. If I did something to make the roads less than safe, it's probably okay that I get to pay a little more into the government fund that maintains and builds our roads. And, no. I don't have to like it.

Anyway, traffic detail brings officers into contact with the average law abiding citizen more than any other kind of police duty. At the same time, making a traffic stop is one of the most dangerous things a police officer can do. He or she doesn't know who is in that car. He hopes it's one of us. But it could be a psychopath just itching to test out his new bazooka. Or it could be someone who knows he as a list of warrants out for his arrest. Walking up to a car during a traffic stop is dangerous and scary. It's no wonder that they seem so humorless.

So, if it seems like they're out to get money, they are. Traffic duty is on the books to keep the roads safe. But it's really a way for the city or state to bring in a ton of revenue. You might wonder why, if the object were really to keep the roads safe, aren't there better ways to accomplish this besides milking our wallets? While I was working at the Long Beach Police Department, the guy who was Captain of the Traffic Division asked just that question.

The Captain implemented a couple of things which were widely hailed as being up there with brilliant. One such program coincided with the holidays noted for ushering an increased number of drunks out onto the road. For this program, horrifyingly damaged cars were placed in locations where hundreds of thousands of people would drive by them. Along with the car was a sign, reminding us, "Don't drink and drive." The display was there for shock value, and it worked. I was always shocked. The other program implemented by the Captain brought Officer Waxworks on board. The idea was a simple one. When one is driving along and sees a cop car parked along the side of the road, it's a natural reflex embedded in the human body for the foot on the accelerator to lighten. This is a medical fact.

The captain realized that he could do something incredibly proactive by playing on this natural medical phenomenon. So, whenever a bunch of people would call and complain about people driving too fast in a given area, the Captain would park a police car in that area and place in it Officer Waxworks. Officer Waxworks was a mannequin, and a darned real looking one at that. I don't know how many times I walked into the Captain's office and thought I'd interrupted him with someone, only to find that it was Waxworks taking his ease. Programs like this are so difficult to fund because it's impossible to prove that they have any impact. You and I know that this one would work, and I think we're all willing to be the butt of a joke like that if it means we won't have to reach into our pockets to pay for a ticket. But Officer Waxworks didn't really cost much, and everyone agreed that he was probably slowing people down. Then tragedy hit. The Captain was away at a conference, and Officer Waxworks disappeared from the Captain's office. The entire department was put on the alert. A missing person's report was filed.

The next day, the ransom note appeared. It stated that Officer Waxworks would be returned unharmed if the Chief of Police agreed to resign. This incident happened quite a number of years ago, at a time when not many people liked the man who was Chief. The threat to Officer Waxworks may have been a joke, but the sentiment was serious. A lot of people wanted the chief out. Chiefs of Police are appointed officials, appointed by the City Manager. This chief had been brought from outside of the department when there were a lot of great cops who had been serving Long Beach for many years who deserved and were qualified to do the job. Bringing someone in from the outside devastated the department's sense of order and respect. I don't know whether the chief was good or bad. My take on him was that he was more a politician than a cop. But, by the time an officer becomes chief of a police department the size of Long Beach's, maybe that's just what they become, politicians. Much to the shock and chagrin of the Department the chief refused to resign. That's when it got ugly. First a hand was found in the workout room. Fingerprints showed that the hand was likely to be Waxworks'. The chief was approached again and refused to resign a second time. The next day, a scream was heard from the women's locker room when one of the officers found Waxworks' disembodied head peering down at her from a ledge in the shower. The case had crossed over into homicide. So ugly.

The chief remained chief for another couple of years. The Captain returned from his conference to find a headless Officer Waxworks sitting exactly where he had been left. Parts of Officer Waxworks are still missing. The perpetrators have never been identified.